Some more stuff I miss

I miss my old gypsy life.

I miss traveling around without any sort of care in the world other then what I was going to do that day and maybe what I was going to eat for lunch and if a second cup of coffee was a good idea.


I miss packing my bags with climbing shoes, chalk, a few clothes and heading out into the wild to be free like a bunny.

I miss just working out all the time and not worrying about... anything.

That being said. I'm going to start prioritizing a kiss more to get my fat ass back into the "climbing" shape I once was. I so dearly miss that feeling of climbing freely and effortlessly like you are almost floating without thinking.

This all came spinning into my mind yesterday after I had thought that I had lost all of my climbing gear. I was sad and furious at the same time just thinking that all the means I had to actually go climbing had vanished.

And then I called the gym again and they had my stuff so now I'm super happy and motivated.

Yahoo... on to the next phase.

Time heals all wounds

"Time heals all wounds" may be a quote to live by but how many minutes, hours, days, years does it take, how much time should one consider before their wounds are healed? Of course that is just the waiting game. Waiting until your wounds are no longer open or your heart isn't quite as heavy to maintain the same daily life you once lived before something hurt you so terribly.

It has been almost 4 months since David has passed, next week, also his 27th birthday. And yes, I live my daily life as normal as I once did but I dream of him every night, nightmares, reliving his last days with him. The smell of the hospital, his brittle hair, the noises of a suction stick, not being able to speak anymore, his eyes wide and hallucinating, not being able to breath or move his neck, yelling for me, realizing he was dying, and me knowing how scared he was, and holding his hand and he took his last breath, watching his breathing stop. I don't really know how to turn off my subconscious, and I dont know if I am really supposed to?

I don't know how to find peace in these memories, or to know that he is in a "better place" or that he is "still with me."

I know the stages of emotions that follow suit in grieving and clearly I haven't moved onto the "anger" stage as of yet. I'm sad that he is gone, I'm angry at his doctors for his poor care, I'm angry for the things that he had to deal with, but over all I'm heartbroken and so desperately selfishly sad that I will never get to see another 24 hour re-run of the Christmas Story with him, or talk to him on the phone again, or yell at him for using drugs, or worry about him doing anything. I'm so sad for him that he will never be able to drive his cars again, or listen to music really loud, or see the sunrise or set again, or get married, or be an uncle to my children, that he wont be able to celebrate anymore of his I feel so horrible that his life was such a struggle and that he had so many tough obstacles that he had to deal with.

I'm so scared that I will forget things about our childhood. I'm terrified to not remember how funny he was or the jokes we had or the protective bond that we had over each other, I just never want to forget the little things that I so easily do. I have never missed someone so much in my life. I have never felt so terrified to think that I am an only child, that my life is never going to be the same, ever again. I don't know how to answer the question, "Do you have any siblings?" Do I say no and disregard the fact that I once did have a brother, do I just say that I am an only child and dishonor his memory? Or do I tell the truth and make someone feel uncomfortable?

So.. I'll keep waiting and keep letting time go by and keep thinking that things will continue to get easier when what I really feel is that people just forget or that the pain never really goes away and it is just slightly dulled over time.

I miss you so much David. Happy early 27th Birthday. Love you so much.

Things

Life sometimes tends to throw some real fucked up curve balls sometimes.

Over the past two months I have done some real pondering about life, death, love, and the future all smashed together into some sort of fucked up mathematical hypothesis. (I don't even think that makes sense but it maybe it does?)

What sprung these wild thoughts and visions was the fact that I'm in love, almost 30, and lost one of the most important people in my entire life.

I lost my brother, David Thomas Keeney on April 6th. It was a brisk, sunny day and goes down in the books as the worst day of my life. I feel as though half of my heart is cold and I don't believe that there is going to be any way to re-warm it.

David's last days were the most horrific and beautiful moments that I will treasure for the rest of my life. I was there with him until his last breath and I don't think that I have any tears left in my eyes to weep. I miss him every second of every day and I find it torturous to think of the future without his smile, laughter, and presence in this world.

I love you Bubby. Heaven is so lucky to have you!

August 6, 1986 - April 6, 2013

I got bangs. Happy New Year and Merry Everything! Aloha!

I got bangs.. I think they're banging.

Before

#Bangs

 

Christmas was great. Being with family for an extended period of time is always a bit trying to say the least but in the end I love them no matter all their psychosis and of course I love getting new Lululemon gear and having my flight get delayed for 4 days :) It's also very interesting to go back to my place of birth and roots and see my childhood friends not only getting older but getting married and getting pregnant on purpose. It makes me think;

1. Holy shit, I really am getting freaking old!
2. Maybe I need to get on that same page, get a husband and get knocked up and probably sooner than later??
3. Maybe not?

The sibs

New Years Eve was great. I went to Vail for the first time and froze my ass off. Vail is one of those towns that feels so fake it's like Vegas in the mountains. It's is great don't get me wrong but when people say they "went to the mountains" I would perfer to envision them looking like cavemen with buckskin snowshoes and raccoon fur on rather than one of the Kardasians with Jimmy Choo's and a mink on. But I also dropped the L-bomb on the boy, well he said it first and than I repeated back to him. And meant it. So that was fun and exciting and cute.

And than I went to Hawaii..

It was fucking incredible. Awesome. Radical. And super fun.

I almost got raped, and that sucked but everything else was amazing. The hostel we were staying at; Waikiki Backpackers Hostel; http://www.hostelsinhawaii.com/ had a rather rapey employee working there that decided to break into my locked, all girls dorm, three times while I was sleeping. I awoke to him making out with me once, I kicked him out. I woke up again, dazed and drunk to him asking me if I wanted him to stay, I kicked him out again. He came back a third time with a comforter asking me if I was sure I didn't want him to stay, I kicked him out again.
I woke up scared and confused at 5:00 a.m. and called my friend Ulises immediately. We met in the kitchen and we all went to the beach and chatted about the haps of the evening and it finally hit my boozed up brain that I was almost raped, or could have been. I called the owner of the hostel and after waiting for hours for him to show up he proceeded to tell me that it was my fault and there was nothing he could do for me. So.. I called the cops and made it a huge deal. If you are ever reading this I would truely love you until the end of time if you could write a terrible review about this place: http://www.yelp.com/biz/waikiki-backpackers-hostel-honolulu

On a lighter note.. I was able to spread my grandfathers ashes throughout the island. There is a bit of him on Peacock Flats hiking trail, and various other beaches through Oahu. It was a great feeling to be able to bring him back to a place that I knew he loved and of course give myself some closure as well.

 Some ashes at Ma'akapu Beach. My favorite spot.

 

 Over looking Kaneohe

 

Some random beautiful beach on the North Shore. 

 

And of course some music to send you off with:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IyM6usz9Qdc