Some more stuff I miss

I miss my old gypsy life.

I miss traveling around without any sort of care in the world other then what I was going to do that day and maybe what I was going to eat for lunch and if a second cup of coffee was a good idea.


I miss packing my bags with climbing shoes, chalk, a few clothes and heading out into the wild to be free like a bunny.

I miss just working out all the time and not worrying about... anything.

That being said. I'm going to start prioritizing a kiss more to get my fat ass back into the "climbing" shape I once was. I so dearly miss that feeling of climbing freely and effortlessly like you are almost floating without thinking.

This all came spinning into my mind yesterday after I had thought that I had lost all of my climbing gear. I was sad and furious at the same time just thinking that all the means I had to actually go climbing had vanished.

And then I called the gym again and they had my stuff so now I'm super happy and motivated.

Yahoo... on to the next phase.

Time heals all wounds

"Time heals all wounds" may be a quote to live by but how many minutes, hours, days, years does it take, how much time should one consider before their wounds are healed? Of course that is just the waiting game. Waiting until your wounds are no longer open or your heart isn't quite as heavy to maintain the same daily life you once lived before something hurt you so terribly.

It has been almost 4 months since David has passed, next week, also his 27th birthday. And yes, I live my daily life as normal as I once did but I dream of him every night, nightmares, reliving his last days with him. The smell of the hospital, his brittle hair, the noises of a suction stick, not being able to speak anymore, his eyes wide and hallucinating, not being able to breath or move his neck, yelling for me, realizing he was dying, and me knowing how scared he was, and holding his hand and he took his last breath, watching his breathing stop. I don't really know how to turn off my subconscious, and I dont know if I am really supposed to?

I don't know how to find peace in these memories, or to know that he is in a "better place" or that he is "still with me."

I know the stages of emotions that follow suit in grieving and clearly I haven't moved onto the "anger" stage as of yet. I'm sad that he is gone, I'm angry at his doctors for his poor care, I'm angry for the things that he had to deal with, but over all I'm heartbroken and so desperately selfishly sad that I will never get to see another 24 hour re-run of the Christmas Story with him, or talk to him on the phone again, or yell at him for using drugs, or worry about him doing anything. I'm so sad for him that he will never be able to drive his cars again, or listen to music really loud, or see the sunrise or set again, or get married, or be an uncle to my children, that he wont be able to celebrate anymore of his I feel so horrible that his life was such a struggle and that he had so many tough obstacles that he had to deal with.

I'm so scared that I will forget things about our childhood. I'm terrified to not remember how funny he was or the jokes we had or the protective bond that we had over each other, I just never want to forget the little things that I so easily do. I have never missed someone so much in my life. I have never felt so terrified to think that I am an only child, that my life is never going to be the same, ever again. I don't know how to answer the question, "Do you have any siblings?" Do I say no and disregard the fact that I once did have a brother, do I just say that I am an only child and dishonor his memory? Or do I tell the truth and make someone feel uncomfortable?

So.. I'll keep waiting and keep letting time go by and keep thinking that things will continue to get easier when what I really feel is that people just forget or that the pain never really goes away and it is just slightly dulled over time.

I miss you so much David. Happy early 27th Birthday. Love you so much.